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Letters 2 God {the final entry #6} 4/10/10

If my life was as productive as my thinking I would never get any sleep. I would always be up and at em. Going in like there is no tomorrow. But it’s not. So I dwell on my thoughts day and night. Some good some bad but all are my own. Right now I am at a cross road of spiritual growth and decay. I have to pick which one I would prefer to do. Of course I want to grow more in You. There is no question about it. It comes with so much I am so afraid of. I’ve lost so much over the past 5 years. So many people changed for the worst while others stayed the same and I happily moved forward. But God, You know the saying count your blessings. I don't want to experience decay. And often times that means leaving people behind and striking out on your own so to speak. I know that no matter what I will always have You. Or at least I pray You will love me enough to come rescue me if I ever need to be saved. As great as our relationship is it could be a million times better. I’m just not sure if i have enough faith in myself to really go there. The one thing that makes me hesitate to grab Your hand and walk is change. People always tell me never to get comfortable where you at. Although I eventually get there and let go it takes some time. Lately I find myself holding on to stuff super tight cause I know it’s about to fall apart I can feel it. I’m going to lose my grip at some point. I just don’t know when. And it’s like fire. I’m fascinated by the light so I poke at it and wave my hand over it. I enjoy the warmth and passion it gives me day in and day out. But I’m about to ignite and burn. Slowly roast until I’m nothing but ashes. And from the dust I’ll be created into something bright new and beautiful. I don’t want to be Your half done project. I blow the candles out praying we can try again tomorrow. I need you more than I need the comfort of my situations. Is this really supposed to be this hard? Can I get a half off coupon or a buy one get one free or something? Sigh. I make everything much more complicated than it has to be. One day I’m just going to kill the thinking. Or not. I so take that back. In all types of super seriousness I really do pray I can see the other side of this situation. I have to surrender my entire life to you cause half of it won’t do. You are my hero you came and you saved the day. At any point you could have saved yourself and I thank you to no end for that much love. You set me free over and over again. So this is it. I carry expectation of answers went I send this in the mail. I hear you get free postage if you mail it in the Kingdom. Here goes everything.

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