Skip to main content

Letters 2 God {the final entry #6} 4/10/10

If my life was as productive as my thinking I would never get any sleep. I would always be up and at em. Going in like there is no tomorrow. But it’s not. So I dwell on my thoughts day and night. Some good some bad but all are my own. Right now I am at a cross road of spiritual growth and decay. I have to pick which one I would prefer to do. Of course I want to grow more in You. There is no question about it. It comes with so much I am so afraid of. I’ve lost so much over the past 5 years. So many people changed for the worst while others stayed the same and I happily moved forward. But God, You know the saying count your blessings. I don't want to experience decay. And often times that means leaving people behind and striking out on your own so to speak. I know that no matter what I will always have You. Or at least I pray You will love me enough to come rescue me if I ever need to be saved. As great as our relationship is it could be a million times better. I’m just not sure if i have enough faith in myself to really go there. The one thing that makes me hesitate to grab Your hand and walk is change. People always tell me never to get comfortable where you at. Although I eventually get there and let go it takes some time. Lately I find myself holding on to stuff super tight cause I know it’s about to fall apart I can feel it. I’m going to lose my grip at some point. I just don’t know when. And it’s like fire. I’m fascinated by the light so I poke at it and wave my hand over it. I enjoy the warmth and passion it gives me day in and day out. But I’m about to ignite and burn. Slowly roast until I’m nothing but ashes. And from the dust I’ll be created into something bright new and beautiful. I don’t want to be Your half done project. I blow the candles out praying we can try again tomorrow. I need you more than I need the comfort of my situations. Is this really supposed to be this hard? Can I get a half off coupon or a buy one get one free or something? Sigh. I make everything much more complicated than it has to be. One day I’m just going to kill the thinking. Or not. I so take that back. In all types of super seriousness I really do pray I can see the other side of this situation. I have to surrender my entire life to you cause half of it won’t do. You are my hero you came and you saved the day. At any point you could have saved yourself and I thank you to no end for that much love. You set me free over and over again. So this is it. I carry expectation of answers went I send this in the mail. I hear you get free postage if you mail it in the Kingdom. Here goes everything.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Knock You Down

"Love (human affection) has put me through so much. Ive cried held on let go let God. Stayed. Thought about leaving. Threw in the towel went to go wash it. Prayed and fasted. Stopped moving moved too fast. Sometimes I need a break from love." - Shanithia That one little mini paragraph is exactly how I feel right about now. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how else to explain it but that's it. On more than one occasion a couple different people have told me I need to let these relationships go and be by myself for a while. I need to enjoy the world around me cause once I get married I'm going to wish I had enjoyed life a little more. I always laughed about. I'm still laughing about that actually. I enjoy my life most days. Cant say all days cause these past four days have been....lets just say I've had way way way way better days. I don't feel as if the world has anything for me except foolishness and more trouble than I'm already promised. And...
Post a Comment
Read more

Next Stop: Construction Zone

To fall flat on your face is to release who you use to be. To get back up is to become who you are. - HyQuality Between Romans 8: 28 and Galatians 6: 7 I have been building my understanding of everything that has happened. The people that have left. The relationships that have failed. The words I wish I had kept to myself. I have released the claims they had on my identity, demoting them to tools in the Potter's hands. He has kept me because I asked and yield. The blessing is not in a thing. But in the language attached to my name. Either He will reign forever or it will rain forever but I will not put my faith in both. I thank God for the place I am in. The breaking means more room for Him. A part of rebuilding is realizing that I lacked nothing from the beginning. Greater is He that is in me and in Him is all I need. This is not to starting over. This is to making better. Construction Zones There are two things the calm signifies. One is the peace of a new morning the othe...
Post a Comment
Read more

Embrace Me

"Chest to chest. Nose to nose. Palm to palm. We were just that close. Wrist to wrist. Toe to toe.....So how come when I reach out my finger it feels like more than distance between us." - California King Bed: Rihanna Chest to chest The simplest of friendships start with the warmness of a hug. The closest that two hearts can be and still beat. Love has a language of its own. One you can only become fluent in through a relationship with Christ. But hugs are different. The embrace of open arms that only close when you come inside caused my first accident. I smashed into you and became paralyzed from the waist down. You picked me up vowing to never let me fall. Palm to palm We never interlocked fingers. We simply held hands. Conversations overlapping future speeches. Wisdom flying at the speed of light with no cops to pull us over. Hand shakes quickly turned into high fives as the intimacy reduced to seconds. Never hungry enough to eat the entire plate. From refrigerator to trash...
1 comment
Read more