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Next Stop : Comfort Inn

Late night thinking

"We lost our way took this too far. Now ill never find the pieces of my heart" - cold case love

I never really liked this song. But lately it's been the story of my moment. I really don't know what I feel. My emotions are running out of control. Truth be told I feel comfortable here. But it's not natural. It's a world I created to emerce myself in when I lacked understanding and answers. There was this really cute saying one of my most loved teachers would also say. She would tell us this during our test but I have found it to be a useful quote when life hands you lemons and you don't feel like making any more lemonade. It goes like this : everything you need to know comes to you when need to know it. This is very true. It's even declared in the scriptures, John 14:26. But even with that being said my eyes are still not open. I still see everything but what I'm looking for. In times like these prayer helps so much. But I can't come in confusion expecting clarity. At least not in my mind. I need to know what I'm looking for before I go looking. I've been hearing the same message for the past couple days. It's getting stronger and stronger as the days add up. It's on my twitter my DAB podcast my P4CM sermons this video I'm studying on the holy spirit. Sigh. They all scream the same thing, you cannot out run your calling. It will find you. So this is how I feel\felt :

My head is killing me. I'm tired. I don't want this no more. I've cried many nights since the word was released. I guess my entire reason for all this is fear. I learn so much about you and me daily. I fear you in ways that no child should fear her father. My heart is so heavy. I wish somebody else could carry this until I'm ready. But some how you believe I'm ready now. But I'm just not ready in my head. My heart fears for the worst. I see me and them. But no you. Where did you go. I looked every place I could think of. But your not talking no more. I don't want to sit in silence. Too much on my heart to sleep at night. Too many tears to close my eyes. I'm very tired. These are not steps I chose to take but steps you chose for me. Walking in them is hard but nobody can do this for me. This is my destiny my life my calling. I can't give my birth right just for rest and sympathy. I cannot give myself away and keep running back to get me. This is only as hard as I make up my mind for it to be. It gets that much easier when I submit because there is a shift in responsibility.  

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