"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night skies are shooting stars. I could really use a wish right now." - Hayley Williams (Paramore)
One night I was really going through it. I was watching tv (reminded me why I barely cut it on sigh) and I ran across an episode of The Game. Needless to say as many of us know Derwin had a baby. And it wasn't his girlfriends child. He told her that his child was more important than her and she asked this simple question. The question was how am I suppose to compete with that. Sigh. For those of you close to me you get what had me so choked up. But it got me thinking and I wrote this.
It's time like these that I just don't feel like she is me. Like I am a strong as people tell me. Like I can make it from this place once again. The same place I find myself every single time something happens. Some days I'm here to stay standing tall and fearless. Other days I fall back. I fall down praying something soft will catch me. Like love peace or comfort. But truth be told there are no pillows on busy street roads during 5 O'clock traffic. Just cars riding stressing speeding trying to get home. This use to be picture perfect. But now I'm not sure what it is. In this moment I could really use a wish. One that would change the way I feel. Change the past into a better future. Change my taste buds to something that was free like me. Cause right now I'm just a girl living off faith. Faith that this is right faith that I'm suppose to be here. Faith that the signs that point to home haven't led me astray. I'm scared to walk alone. So I'll take the minimal happiness and max it out. Never imagined that it would run out. Now real life has come in. And it's slowing taking everything I had. Leaving me dependent on receiving it back. I'm just stuck here. So many people to talk to and none are close enough to hear me. I think I'll pass on the wish. After all you only get three. I'll offer my liquid prayers. The ones I couldn't put in words so I just cried. I hope He hears them and feels them. This could be a long night. But joy comes in the morning. No sunshine required. I have my own dreams to chase but I haven't laid my head down to dream one. My mind always takes me there. Certain moments remind me of stuff I thought I deleted. But all I got are these photographs. Crystal clear images and an imagination made for movies. My heart changes patterns with the season. And this spring I'm out of season still falling back to what I thought this could be. I'm all of this to you and none of that to me. Who's opinion really matters. I'm just a regular lady searching for my identity in a King who loves me more than I could love my own self. I'm sure of His love but not where mine could go. To what pleasure do I owe this relationship. I expect this but prefer that who's life is it anyway.
So I begin praying and crying out to God. I won't say it was instant. But He came at the perfect time. In that moment that I needed Him He gently whispered Here I am. He made Himself known though He had been there the entire time. I realized that I may not have what they say I should have and it may get hard at times but all I know is I have far more than I could ask for or think up.
The reasons kick in daily as to why I shouldnt feel the way I do. So I'll just run a few off.
1. He truly loves me. He has seen the unsaved full of attitude and ugliness of me he knows everything I've been through and what God delivered me from and now he knows the better me. The saved and souled out me.
2. At 3am He tells me how beautiful I am. How much he appreciates me. How much he knows I have his back. How much he enjoys calling me his baby.
3. He holds nothing back from me. Everything just seems to flow like water. He is very truthful.
4. He prays for me. I'll type that one more time he prays for me. He will fast for my family with me. He reads his word. He knows and obeys God.
5. He is my best friend. I could tell him anything. No judgement no faces no not you comments nothing. Just opened ears and loving speech. He corrects me. It doesn't always feel good but he does it out of love.
God always reminds me of these things when these feelings come along. I pray that one day very soon He won't have to show me. But I can tell myself during these times how good I have it. There is nothing like waiting on God. It teaches you that nobody can do you like Him. His blessings come with no sorrow. He is faithful just and true. He keeps His promises. He died for me when I could careless about Him or His life. All He ask for in return are 4 small things your life your faith your love and your obedience.
One night I was really going through it. I was watching tv (reminded me why I barely cut it on sigh) and I ran across an episode of The Game. Needless to say as many of us know Derwin had a baby. And it wasn't his girlfriends child. He told her that his child was more important than her and she asked this simple question. The question was how am I suppose to compete with that. Sigh. For those of you close to me you get what had me so choked up. But it got me thinking and I wrote this.
It's time like these that I just don't feel like she is me. Like I am a strong as people tell me. Like I can make it from this place once again. The same place I find myself every single time something happens. Some days I'm here to stay standing tall and fearless. Other days I fall back. I fall down praying something soft will catch me. Like love peace or comfort. But truth be told there are no pillows on busy street roads during 5 O'clock traffic. Just cars riding stressing speeding trying to get home. This use to be picture perfect. But now I'm not sure what it is. In this moment I could really use a wish. One that would change the way I feel. Change the past into a better future. Change my taste buds to something that was free like me. Cause right now I'm just a girl living off faith. Faith that this is right faith that I'm suppose to be here. Faith that the signs that point to home haven't led me astray. I'm scared to walk alone. So I'll take the minimal happiness and max it out. Never imagined that it would run out. Now real life has come in. And it's slowing taking everything I had. Leaving me dependent on receiving it back. I'm just stuck here. So many people to talk to and none are close enough to hear me. I think I'll pass on the wish. After all you only get three. I'll offer my liquid prayers. The ones I couldn't put in words so I just cried. I hope He hears them and feels them. This could be a long night. But joy comes in the morning. No sunshine required. I have my own dreams to chase but I haven't laid my head down to dream one. My mind always takes me there. Certain moments remind me of stuff I thought I deleted. But all I got are these photographs. Crystal clear images and an imagination made for movies. My heart changes patterns with the season. And this spring I'm out of season still falling back to what I thought this could be. I'm all of this to you and none of that to me. Who's opinion really matters. I'm just a regular lady searching for my identity in a King who loves me more than I could love my own self. I'm sure of His love but not where mine could go. To what pleasure do I owe this relationship. I expect this but prefer that who's life is it anyway.
So I begin praying and crying out to God. I won't say it was instant. But He came at the perfect time. In that moment that I needed Him He gently whispered Here I am. He made Himself known though He had been there the entire time. I realized that I may not have what they say I should have and it may get hard at times but all I know is I have far more than I could ask for or think up.
The reasons kick in daily as to why I shouldnt feel the way I do. So I'll just run a few off.
1. He truly loves me. He has seen the unsaved full of attitude and ugliness of me he knows everything I've been through and what God delivered me from and now he knows the better me. The saved and souled out me.
2. At 3am He tells me how beautiful I am. How much he appreciates me. How much he knows I have his back. How much he enjoys calling me his baby.
3. He holds nothing back from me. Everything just seems to flow like water. He is very truthful.
4. He prays for me. I'll type that one more time he prays for me. He will fast for my family with me. He reads his word. He knows and obeys God.
5. He is my best friend. I could tell him anything. No judgement no faces no not you comments nothing. Just opened ears and loving speech. He corrects me. It doesn't always feel good but he does it out of love.
God always reminds me of these things when these feelings come along. I pray that one day very soon He won't have to show me. But I can tell myself during these times how good I have it. There is nothing like waiting on God. It teaches you that nobody can do you like Him. His blessings come with no sorrow. He is faithful just and true. He keeps His promises. He died for me when I could careless about Him or His life. All He ask for in return are 4 small things your life your faith your love and your obedience.
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