"I made up my mind it was time to move. This place can no longer hold the glory God is trying to get from me" - Type.Classy
I've been writing praying crying worshipping meditating and listening to God about this for so long. God gave me an answer a long time ago. But I was too immature to accept and apply when I asked the question. I always use to wonder what it was and now I know. This situation is showing me how to step out on faith. Never in my life have I been where I'm about to go. This is a totally new experience for me. This is the first time I will do this the right way. The way God intended it to be from the beginning.Everything I do affects somebody else. That was the toughest thing I had to swallow especially when it came from someone I love so much and admire even more. It shook me for the longest. But all I could do was sit and continue to listen. My life is not my own no more. I cant do what I want to do when I'm ready to do it. Some of my favorite tees I can no longer wear because I represent Christ. Some of the smallest things can nullify my testimony and God ain't bring me out of my mess so I can continue being messy. There is a better life out here for me to live and experience. I have to step into that now. My little brother asked me the craziest question a couple days ago. He looked me dead in my eyes and said "Shan do you ever sin?". I looked at him like O_0 yeah of course I do. So he asked me what do I do that's sin? And I told him I'm sure I do something knowing me its the thoughts I have sometimes. He tells me that's not really sin. I laughed. Ive been praying for so long for God to rescue my household from the hands of the enemy. That simple conversation showed me just how much God was using me. All these time I been praying absent to the fact that my God is working on my behalf. I thank Him so much. I'm so grateful. God really blew my mind with that but it wasn't until I talked to my father that I realized I was really affecting the whole house. He told me he needs to start fasting with me and getting his life right. How God can use a 21 year old lady to call a grown man into order amazes me. Actions speak louder than words. I know that some day they will step into their full potential. But if I want the true glory of God to be revealed in that house I have got to make sure I'm doing everything I'm suppose to do in every area of my life. All of this makes me wonder how can I really tell myself I'm a private person. There is no way.
My Journey to Love
"Just maybe if I paid him back I could move on" - Mila J
I don't know why I do this to myself. I'm tired of history repeating itself. I wish I knew then what I know now and maybe then I wouldn't have giving you the time of day or night. But yet I keep finding my way back to you. You have so many faces. You seem like somebody I know. So many times I fell hard for familiarity. I thought because it happened before I knew you better. I could love you better. I was wrong. You taught me that. You taught me to cry behind closed doors and smile even when the sun don't shine. I can't blame you for everything cause I knew you wasn't real from the jump. But I loved the face r&b introduced me too. You were a never ending fairy tale like multiple partners cheating with hearts not bodies cause that wasn't really cheating. You painted the picture of a happy family. And I believed my own thousand words. I made you and you broke me down. Took me places I had never been before introduced me to things I never knew. But all I got to say is good looking out. I so thought I was okay realizing I a mistake. So of course i came back again. No matter how far we got you was always two steps behind me. Waiting for the opportunity to meet me again. I could always feel your presence. The strong cologne and fresh breathe was undeniable. You were a man if I ever met one. So I thought about us. These flashbacks I don't want that can we just go back to where I messed up and erase that. But I'm so much better without you. I use to believe I couldn't make it without you. Like if I didn't have you the world would no longer turn. The life you gave me would be gone. My perception was turned upside down. I don't want to be without my baby I don't want a broken heart. I'm sure no girl on earth wants one. Maybe that's why you shattered mine. I know we aren't perfect but nobody is. Right? And what's real love with out tough times? I mean isn't pleasure just a combination of pain? You can't miss what you never had baby girl. And you never had me. Gunfire left a hole in my tank loosing gasoline. Fire is on my trail and it's after me. The fire is back. I don't want to get burned. Just be consumed. Intuition is something. And I would give it up just to understand you. This love has broken the law but I need a witness. The truth is Him all alone some how I always missed. The grass isn't greener on the other side. So now I water mine and wait for the harvest. The tree shares it's fruit in the spring time. From here on out I will blossom and grow.
I've been writing praying crying worshipping meditating and listening to God about this for so long. God gave me an answer a long time ago. But I was too immature to accept and apply when I asked the question. I always use to wonder what it was and now I know. This situation is showing me how to step out on faith. Never in my life have I been where I'm about to go. This is a totally new experience for me. This is the first time I will do this the right way. The way God intended it to be from the beginning.Everything I do affects somebody else. That was the toughest thing I had to swallow especially when it came from someone I love so much and admire even more. It shook me for the longest. But all I could do was sit and continue to listen. My life is not my own no more. I cant do what I want to do when I'm ready to do it. Some of my favorite tees I can no longer wear because I represent Christ. Some of the smallest things can nullify my testimony and God ain't bring me out of my mess so I can continue being messy. There is a better life out here for me to live and experience. I have to step into that now. My little brother asked me the craziest question a couple days ago. He looked me dead in my eyes and said "Shan do you ever sin?". I looked at him like O_0 yeah of course I do. So he asked me what do I do that's sin? And I told him I'm sure I do something knowing me its the thoughts I have sometimes. He tells me that's not really sin. I laughed. Ive been praying for so long for God to rescue my household from the hands of the enemy. That simple conversation showed me just how much God was using me. All these time I been praying absent to the fact that my God is working on my behalf. I thank Him so much. I'm so grateful. God really blew my mind with that but it wasn't until I talked to my father that I realized I was really affecting the whole house. He told me he needs to start fasting with me and getting his life right. How God can use a 21 year old lady to call a grown man into order amazes me. Actions speak louder than words. I know that some day they will step into their full potential. But if I want the true glory of God to be revealed in that house I have got to make sure I'm doing everything I'm suppose to do in every area of my life. All of this makes me wonder how can I really tell myself I'm a private person. There is no way.
My Journey to Love
"Just maybe if I paid him back I could move on" - Mila J
I don't know why I do this to myself. I'm tired of history repeating itself. I wish I knew then what I know now and maybe then I wouldn't have giving you the time of day or night. But yet I keep finding my way back to you. You have so many faces. You seem like somebody I know. So many times I fell hard for familiarity. I thought because it happened before I knew you better. I could love you better. I was wrong. You taught me that. You taught me to cry behind closed doors and smile even when the sun don't shine. I can't blame you for everything cause I knew you wasn't real from the jump. But I loved the face r&b introduced me too. You were a never ending fairy tale like multiple partners cheating with hearts not bodies cause that wasn't really cheating. You painted the picture of a happy family. And I believed my own thousand words. I made you and you broke me down. Took me places I had never been before introduced me to things I never knew. But all I got to say is good looking out. I so thought I was okay realizing I a mistake. So of course i came back again. No matter how far we got you was always two steps behind me. Waiting for the opportunity to meet me again. I could always feel your presence. The strong cologne and fresh breathe was undeniable. You were a man if I ever met one. So I thought about us. These flashbacks I don't want that can we just go back to where I messed up and erase that. But I'm so much better without you. I use to believe I couldn't make it without you. Like if I didn't have you the world would no longer turn. The life you gave me would be gone. My perception was turned upside down. I don't want to be without my baby I don't want a broken heart. I'm sure no girl on earth wants one. Maybe that's why you shattered mine. I know we aren't perfect but nobody is. Right? And what's real love with out tough times? I mean isn't pleasure just a combination of pain? You can't miss what you never had baby girl. And you never had me. Gunfire left a hole in my tank loosing gasoline. Fire is on my trail and it's after me. The fire is back. I don't want to get burned. Just be consumed. Intuition is something. And I would give it up just to understand you. This love has broken the law but I need a witness. The truth is Him all alone some how I always missed. The grass isn't greener on the other side. So now I water mine and wait for the harvest. The tree shares it's fruit in the spring time. From here on out I will blossom and grow.
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