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Next Stop: Deal With It

All my life I've been controlled by emotions. I sense freedom in my next worship session but because I can't feel it I won't grab it. I put my faith in things I could eventually touch. Hatred so thick I could cut a slice. Love so blind I made him my world. Fear so loud I lost track of time. Nothing so strong I couldn't feel anything. Disappointment so wide I knew it was coming. All in the name of facing my giants. I looked them square in the eye and decided to be friends. I figured if I got close they had no reason to kill me. I was wrong.

i remember waiting on steps. crying myself to sleep as I waited every second for the doorbell to ring. not wanting to move because i knew he was coming soon. 7 turned into 9. 9 turned into to 11. 11 turned into tears on my pillow until sleep granted me peace. i remember jokes i couldn't laugh at. are you sure we're related? don't call me. ill call you. eventually i laughed to keep from crying. made so many jokes i never dealt with it. now its just a comedy show to me. and though its not okay ill take laughing over crying any day.

i remember falling in love. ready to give up everything i had cause we belong together. leaving and coming back so many times i started to mock my relationship with my father. being satisfied with his voice because i knew i would never see his face. when it was good it was amazing. but when it was bad everything got worse. i worshipped him. hooked my lungs up to his just to breathe. gave him power over my soul because i thought that's what love was. he controlled my happiness how long i cried how much it hurt and how long i stayed. he knew how to make right seem wrong and wrong seem right. but love was suppose to cast out all my fears. and ours was never perfect. so the night i was tricked into believing he died i died too.

i remember wanting to do more. trying so hard to step out on faith but too afraid. always expecting the worse just so nothing would break my heart. my mind was always on the negative. but what if this happens or what if that happens. how do i know she got my back. how can i really trust him. it kept me in a cycle of paranoia. looking for the best but expecting the worse. my faith was pregnant but fear caused a miscarriage.

i remember loosing her. we were closer than sisters. nothing was suppose to divide us. until he came along. i thought she knew me better. knew that i would never betray her or eat her left overs. i wasted 4 years of my life running from him. i made intentions to never cross that line. but life happened and God had other plans. still i feel so guilty. so disappointed in myself. who knew you had to loose so much just to fall in love.

i remember not feeling anything. i had experienced every emotion in the book. i was worn out exhausted and tired. i taught myself how to hide all the thoughts. to loose the memories and only expect joy. i perfected the expression of fake happiness. i didn't know how to feel anything else. i genuinely didn't care about anything. i was trying to be carefree but i ended up being careless. there is a way that seems right to man but in the end it leads to death.

All my life I've been watched over by God. I sense peace in my next worship session so I bow in His presence. I put my hope in things that shall come to pass. Love so thick it covers an abundance of my sins. Peace so undefined it supersedes my understanding.  Faith so small it moves mountains. Nothing so hard my God can't do it. Encouragement so wide I know I can make it. All in the name of pursuing my destiny. I looked it square in the eye and decided I was on my way. I figure if I aim for Heaven ill land on top of a beautiful star. God is faithful.

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