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the UGLY in me

"two extremes never have a common middle ground. It's either one or the other." - hyquality

emotion : my definition is very wide. If I had to roll with one I would say the way you feel and how you express what you feel. At least for me that seems to hold very true. Every one seems to base how I feel off what I do. I'm a very consistent person. I'm the same way all the time. There are rare occasions when I flip. It throws people off but that's life. Can we truly say the absence of a smile is the evidence of no happiness.

For majority of my life I've always struggled with looking for the perfect coat of skin. Either I put too many on or I ran out of paint. I can never seem to be properly dressed for any occasion. I've been so dominant in my past that the only alternative I seem to have is being totally submissive. I've gone from taking my middle finger attitude every where I go to carrying half my heart on my sleeve. It's so easy to act like I don't care and end up not caring at all than to care and have to consider all emotions on the table. But despite all this I know that you have to control your emotions. It shows how much faith you have.

It's been a hard long road to where I stand now. The drug I was addicted to almost killed me. It got so bad I would literally get high in my sleep. Thinking it was just a dream but in reality I was so far gone. I prayed and prayed. It wouldn't help. I broke down while rolling up but I wouldn't stop smoking. The first dose was the best. After that I was chasing it. Trying to reach the same level but my drug dealer kept feeding me the low grade. And I needed it day and night. Crying cause the satisfaction left a long time ago but the need to do it wouldn't leave. Imagine how it feels to smoke a lb and still be sane. In your regular state of mind. That was me. But everybody is looking at me to validate they freedom and I couldn't even save myself. I had guilt written on all my shirts and shame all across my jeans. I couldn't breathe. I was so caught up I couldn't even say I'm sorry. Salvation and repentance wasn't for addicts like me. I used up all my second chances. There was no saving me.

There was this beautiful light shining. The perfect shade of white. Not blinding but soothing. It released me. Corrected my vision and redesigned my thoughts. I chased it down and it led me to 11. 11 saved my soul. She gave me knew clothes of power and love to wear. She feed me and quenched my thirst. I will never forget that day. I found my passion I found myself I found Him again. I live to create more days like those. Nothing will ever beat the feeling of coming home no matter how many times you open the door.

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