"Love (human affection) has put me through so much. Ive cried held on let go let God. Stayed. Thought about leaving. Threw in the towel went to go wash it. Prayed and fasted. Stopped moving moved too fast. Sometimes I need a break from love." - Shanithia
That one little mini paragraph is exactly how I feel right about now. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how else to explain it but that's it. On more than one occasion a couple different people have told me I need to let these relationships go and be by myself for a while. I need to enjoy the world around me cause once I get married I'm going to wish I had enjoyed life a little more. I always laughed about. I'm still laughing about that actually. I enjoy my life most days. Cant say all days cause these past four days have been....lets just say I've had way way way way better days. I don't feel as if the world has anything for me except foolishness and more trouble than I'm already promised. And if I close the door now there is no telling when I'll open it back up if I do at all. I'm kind of an enjoy it while its here person with just about everything even stuff I shouldn't be. I always seem to stay longer than normal.
"I need a place to drop these packages off this special delivery ain't so special no more. They use to be light and cute. Now there heavy and ugly. Could you return them back to sender? I have no need for them. They are like scarlet letters laying on my chest. All 26 letters stand for something that shames me. Something that is trying to break me. But I won't let it. He says ma'am no one sent these to you so we can't send them back. They come from you and to you. Strange gifts for a young lady to drown herself in. I scream this did not come from me but some one else. You see I would never give myself such untactful gifts. He looked at me with all the love in the world spoke light but quick and said sometimes the wrong path comes with unwanted features."
I had these three simple goals I wanted to accomplish before the end of 2010. I have about 15 days left and these goals are about to turn into new years resolutions. The one at the top of my list was to expand my friendship circle. So far its looking just as semi as its been looking these past 21 years. I still don't have enough people to make it a full circle. I have had so many wonderful opportunities to put myself out there and make something happen. It seems to work for about a month at the most. Then it just all falls apart. This whole entire thing is pretty much all my fault. I'm mature enough to realize and admit that. This is way harder than I thought it was going to be. I was expecting to jump right in not thinking about this the whole way through. I was just determined to be different. I feel as if determination can get you a ton of places but it is faith that allows you to arrive safely. I don't have too much faith or trust in these people I'm attempting to start relationships with. Its just not easy come easy go like it use to be. I'm not the type of person to make anybody earn my trust. But once you get too close its like intruder alert. The cement walls come up and the multi-directional laser lights are in full effect. That's not the way its suppose to be. I'm fighting this with all that's in me. But how can I win? How can I defeat Him that came to bring victory? What sting do my carnal weapons have oh God? Give me away not to my desires but your will my King. Conquer me so I can conquer my flesh. Rescue me from this stagnant place or give me the breath to revive it. When will I bow down and yield to you? What need is greater than the need of your presence? How can my worship exist outside the sanctuary? God where are you when I need you more than my next breath? Let me be salt and light. The preserver of your Word and carrier of your Glory. One touch of your hem can erase a lifetime of pain. Ill have faith because I heard and open my heart to you. All of you and none of me is my aim. Teach me your ways and I shall never go astray. Reside in this temple Daddy because my heart is where your home is. Show me your glory.
"My past is like my security blanket and comfort zone. I love it so much because I already know what will happen. No room for surprises."
I hear a lot of people talk about how God wants everything. He wants you to submit totally and completely to Him. If it belongs to you His hand is open waiting for you to place it there. There is nothing He is not willing to take from His people. No past is too worldly, no sin is too great, and no person is too much. He created the Earth and Heavens. He made the Earth His footstool and the Heavens His throne. He sits high and looks low. There is nothing too small or too great for my God. Yet I protect me. I protect my heart like something could get passed Him. Just in case His power source shuts down and somebody sneaks on in. Like an all knowing God knows not the day or hour the thief shall come. There is no way you can get passed Him. So what am I so protective of?
How can my weak defenses that have even failed me be backup for God? How can I have a just in case plan for a Word that has come to pass will come to pass and is coming to pass? The light of the world cannot give birth to darkness. I shall do greater things than He that came to save my life. Obedience will always and forever be better than sacrifice. It is the things we protect the most that are on the top of His must have list. Honestly I really need this healing.
That one little mini paragraph is exactly how I feel right about now. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how else to explain it but that's it. On more than one occasion a couple different people have told me I need to let these relationships go and be by myself for a while. I need to enjoy the world around me cause once I get married I'm going to wish I had enjoyed life a little more. I always laughed about. I'm still laughing about that actually. I enjoy my life most days. Cant say all days cause these past four days have been....lets just say I've had way way way way better days. I don't feel as if the world has anything for me except foolishness and more trouble than I'm already promised. And if I close the door now there is no telling when I'll open it back up if I do at all. I'm kind of an enjoy it while its here person with just about everything even stuff I shouldn't be. I always seem to stay longer than normal.
"I need a place to drop these packages off this special delivery ain't so special no more. They use to be light and cute. Now there heavy and ugly. Could you return them back to sender? I have no need for them. They are like scarlet letters laying on my chest. All 26 letters stand for something that shames me. Something that is trying to break me. But I won't let it. He says ma'am no one sent these to you so we can't send them back. They come from you and to you. Strange gifts for a young lady to drown herself in. I scream this did not come from me but some one else. You see I would never give myself such untactful gifts. He looked at me with all the love in the world spoke light but quick and said sometimes the wrong path comes with unwanted features."
I had these three simple goals I wanted to accomplish before the end of 2010. I have about 15 days left and these goals are about to turn into new years resolutions. The one at the top of my list was to expand my friendship circle. So far its looking just as semi as its been looking these past 21 years. I still don't have enough people to make it a full circle. I have had so many wonderful opportunities to put myself out there and make something happen. It seems to work for about a month at the most. Then it just all falls apart. This whole entire thing is pretty much all my fault. I'm mature enough to realize and admit that. This is way harder than I thought it was going to be. I was expecting to jump right in not thinking about this the whole way through. I was just determined to be different. I feel as if determination can get you a ton of places but it is faith that allows you to arrive safely. I don't have too much faith or trust in these people I'm attempting to start relationships with. Its just not easy come easy go like it use to be. I'm not the type of person to make anybody earn my trust. But once you get too close its like intruder alert. The cement walls come up and the multi-directional laser lights are in full effect. That's not the way its suppose to be. I'm fighting this with all that's in me. But how can I win? How can I defeat Him that came to bring victory? What sting do my carnal weapons have oh God? Give me away not to my desires but your will my King. Conquer me so I can conquer my flesh. Rescue me from this stagnant place or give me the breath to revive it. When will I bow down and yield to you? What need is greater than the need of your presence? How can my worship exist outside the sanctuary? God where are you when I need you more than my next breath? Let me be salt and light. The preserver of your Word and carrier of your Glory. One touch of your hem can erase a lifetime of pain. Ill have faith because I heard and open my heart to you. All of you and none of me is my aim. Teach me your ways and I shall never go astray. Reside in this temple Daddy because my heart is where your home is. Show me your glory.
"My past is like my security blanket and comfort zone. I love it so much because I already know what will happen. No room for surprises."
I hear a lot of people talk about how God wants everything. He wants you to submit totally and completely to Him. If it belongs to you His hand is open waiting for you to place it there. There is nothing He is not willing to take from His people. No past is too worldly, no sin is too great, and no person is too much. He created the Earth and Heavens. He made the Earth His footstool and the Heavens His throne. He sits high and looks low. There is nothing too small or too great for my God. Yet I protect me. I protect my heart like something could get passed Him. Just in case His power source shuts down and somebody sneaks on in. Like an all knowing God knows not the day or hour the thief shall come. There is no way you can get passed Him. So what am I so protective of?
How can my weak defenses that have even failed me be backup for God? How can I have a just in case plan for a Word that has come to pass will come to pass and is coming to pass? The light of the world cannot give birth to darkness. I shall do greater things than He that came to save my life. Obedience will always and forever be better than sacrifice. It is the things we protect the most that are on the top of His must have list. Honestly I really need this healing.
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