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Step One

Deep calls unto deep at the noise of your waterfalls - Psalm 42:7a

The beginning is not the start and the end is not the finish. I guess that means I'm caught up in the middle. I'm laying everything out in this one blog. To the person who this makes complete and total sense to I love you far more than you think I do.

I wish I knew how to forgive you. How to love you past the unlimited stabs in my back and heart. How to look you in your eyes to say I need you even though you may not need me back. It's hard to look at you. To imagine an us in total peace. It's not normal. Right now I'm counting on God to heal me. I believe he made me to love. But right now I can't because I'm not free. My heart is in a complex condition. But God is breaking me into pieces. Attempting to shatter my past and present so he can build this amazing future. Do I trust him? What if he never puts me back together? What if this hurts more than I can take? What if I can't be here because I need we?

The one thing I wish could just be me is this process. I'm not use to needing nobody because seasons change. Change is consistent. It never sits still. I love her but we can't be alike no more. Her way of life is killing me even now but it's all I know. I imitate her. She is my favorite reflection of myself. I equally love and hate that face and smile. Those almond shaped eyes and beautiful skin. I think she is amazing.

God just had other plans. I respect him. I have faith that he will work it out. I believe everything will be okay even now. He is chasing after me. His passion burns in a beautiful flame. I'm terrified of fire. But he loves to play. The transfer of heat makes me sweat. But it's cold in here. My entire body shakes hard. My teeth click as the wind blows and I curl up like a baby. With every breath I breathe pieces of my soul escape and mix with the air. I inhale and take back everything around me. One touch one kiss of love could break cement walls. 

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