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Toast It Up

There are conversations going on in my heart that keep me at the edge of grace. 
These are not perfect conversations but interpretations of the heartbeats that keep me alive. 
These conversations are also incomplete. Beyond the walls of my heart they are empty and lifeless. 
With no meaning outside of emotion, will you lift your glass as I toast ...


To the boys I once loved, thank you for not having the courage to love me back. 
Of all the things I could regret, it will never be my experience will you. 
You taught me how to chase after Him and dive into His relentless love.
Finally the scars on my heart are free to reflect His beauty. 

To the guys I once liked, you helped me figure out what life is all about and why death is so easily feared. 
It is the unexpected last breath that we are afraid of much like the unexpected end we shared. 
I absolutely hated to watch you walk away but I'm grateful on my worst days you didn't stay.  
It was never about your presence but the space you occupied that was not built for you. 
You unknowingly upgraded my faith in God the second you left. 
You were my idea of God's best and we still didn't make the cut. 
Too bad imagination can't create real love. 

To the women who loved them back, I am not your enemy. 
I know it's much easier to resent me than to embrace me but I'd rather live in peace. 
I am simply not your competition. 
We have nothing to prove to each other. 
Pick up your joy and love you own King. 
Extend to me grace and pray I find my own. 
The absence of me is not the presence of you. 
We can exist together. 

To the friends I lost along the way, I'm sorry. 
I broke a friend code or three on my journey to love. 
I made wife decisions at the expense of your feelings while carrying girlfriend status. 
And even though time and space have reaped a mighty harvest, 
right now, I'd do anything to hear you say I told you so. 
It sounds so much better than nothing at all.

To the lessons learned while broken, sleep is not the only place God increases capacity. 
The soul is a shapeless being that forms into whatever you endure. 
I've been lust awaken in the midnight hour to satisfy flesh that greeted me with shame in the morning. 
I've been anxiety up serving insomnia instead of intercession. 
I've also been bitter but it's so much better being healed. 
Thank God for space. 

Cheers! 

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