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Big Girls Dont Cry

"And when I look back on it all the people who hurt me the most protected me the hardest." - HyQuality

I took a long deep breath while I thought long and about if I should listen or keep it moving. I decided to take a chance on healing and listen to what was said. So I wrote everything. Every person action place and memory. I wrote everything down one two sheets of notebook paper. I felt free. Writing has always been an opportunity for me to open up and let God touch me in places no one has touched in years. I cried. The pressure had been released. I wasn't sure if I should have put this up. Then I had a dream. Changed my entire perspective. I started this blog for me. Destinations was a way for me to see my journey in my own words. Ive been hurt by a lot of people. Mostly males. But its all apart of life. I learned that seasons do change and people don't stay the same. So I buy another ticket and travel on until I arrive at a place I can truly call home. So here goes e v e r y t h i n g.

Original - God knows I love you to pieces. It wasn't always easy. But I managed. You were my very first real lesson in forgiveness. Your actions shaped quite a bit of my personality and actions. You're the reason why I never saw the face of my first love. The reason why love came so naturally at a great distance but was terribly hard up close. Why the touch of a boy annoyed me beyond belief so instead I touched myself. Our relationship is better now. I believed so many lies about you I have to go back and learn who you are all over again. And I'm okay with that because this time I can form my own opinion.

History - We argued more than two old ladies on the front porch on a Sunday afternoon sipping on ice cold lemonade. I loved you a ton even then and I hated it. You messed my entire home up. Now its broken because of a bitter person. Its a shame. I was that daughter you dreamed of but could never have yourself. You were that parent I needed but didn't want to accept. A lot has changed since then. But I still don't know the complete truth. I guess it was never important.

Replacement - I guess I thought you were the one. I over estimated you. You were my dream come true. But it was more like a nightmare in the end. I was fooled by the quality time gentle speech and whatever paper or plastic could buy. I thought you would be strong enough to provide everything we needed. But you were too scared of commitment. You thought being real was being tough inside and out. You were gentle but untouchable. We became more than you were ready for that's why you left. You were in and out for a couple days over a four year span. You were temporary and I held on to you like lifetime. I could have looked you in the eye and asked would you be there when seasons changed. My heart would have heard a yes but my mind knew the answer was no.

Entertainment - I never imagined this. You were a major part of the reason I became so personal. The one person I told everything left because you were mature enough to be real with yourself. You were just an eager teenager following butterflies. Yet you were the first real follower of Christ I knew. You changed through out the years and I was never ready. I always wanted to know why but I never had the guts to ask. Time has a funny way of going backwards. I live inside all of my past trying to make some sense of whats going on. The answer was never in the past. I guess that's why my mother would always tell me to keep living.

You - We met and my entire life changed. For the first time I was ready for change. But God had more than a change in mind. He wanted a relationship. And I trust you no doubts. Just not trying to get close to another memory.

As the old saying goes be careful who you talking about because there is a big chance you are talking about yourself. I'm just a product of my life lessons.

Comments

Unknown said…
It's amazing to watch your own growth in your Ah Hah moment.

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