Destinations

"He never said it would be easy. But he promised me help. That help comes from this gift I have. Id be lost without this" - Type.Classy I must say these are incomplete. My mind has been racing full speed ahead and this is the result. Its two parts not meant to be connected. So here we go part one "Control is a state of mind. Those that think they have it don't. But those they know they don't do." - Type.Classy We are like two enemies. Constant battle of who gets what and why. We can't compromise. We want the same thing the same way. I'm not giving in for you. But you're persistent. And sometimes I just don't have the energy. As much as I hate you I just want some rest. Peace of mind body and soul. We can hate later. This could kill me. But I can't say I care enough to live. If I die you die too and that's my aim. I'll never be able to come back but I'm ready to go forward. We can't be us no more. There has to be separation...

"But you promised me you would be there when seasons change." - Tamyra Gray Coldest Winter It gets kinda lonely. Nothing growing barren grounds no flowers to smell no beautiful landscape to see. Water turns into blocks of ice. The streets become the perfect ice skating tracks. Long nights lead to thinking. The later it gets the closer to zero degrees I go. I'm trying to warm up. I'm so cold the heat from hell wont melt my heart. Omarion's ice box had nothing on the chills and frostbite I use to break hearts. Midnight tears leave morning icicles I no longer take off. I'm dying. Nothing can compare to letting yourself go. To opening up to people who scream trust me. If I had a dollar for every one who I met who's first name was trust middle me and last Shan Id be across the seas searching for him. When you open up once you will never be the same. But if you do it twice you have a special gift. As much as I fear being alone, I'm only willing to unlock the...

"two extremes never have a common middle ground. It's either one or the other." - hyquality emotion : my definition is very wide. If I had to roll with one I would say the way you feel and how you express what you feel. At least for me that seems to hold very true. Every one seems to base how I feel off what I do. I'm a very consistent person. I'm the same way all the time. There are rare occasions when I flip. It throws people off but that's life. Can we truly say the absence of a smile is the evidence of no happiness. For majority of my life I've always struggled with looking for the perfect coat of skin. Either I put too many on or I ran out of paint. I can never seem to be properly dressed for any occasion. I've been so dominant in my past that the only alternative I seem to have is being totally submissive. I've gone from taking my middle finger attitude every where I go to carrying half my heart on my sleeve. It's so easy to act like I do...

Smoking : to dream that you are smoking indicates that you are trying to shield yourself and others against your emotions. You have trouble letting others in. [from dreammoods.com dream dictionary] Purification comes through two vessels. Education and correction. - Type.Classy I wake up with the taste of ashes and unclean air in my mouth. Like I myself had lit one up inhaled to hard and choked. It was so real to me. I picked up one and it immediately burned to ashes and from those ashes another grew. It was the second time. I usually don't have the same dream twice but lately these two have been popping up. Same story different people/objects and a new setting. What is this trying to tell me. What is He yelling at me to prepare for. In the back of your mind you always have answers. The one furthest back is usually the complete truth. The one you avoid in the light but cant run away from fast enough in the dark. You have no choice but to accept and consider in your sleep. So my mind...

So it's been a rough couple of days. I suppose my emotions have been highly unstable. I find my self very hard to deal with. But I suppose that's pretty much all chicks some more than others. I got a lot going on in my head. So much stuff I need to think through that I just haven't made time for. A whole lot could be so much better than it is now. I've been so patient with myself I feel like I'm about to explode. My prayer life is sliding down a hill daily. I still pray daily just about all day but it's not as heart felt as usual. As odd as this may seem I am so happy about all that you have been recieving. It's so good to see so much moving in a different direction for you. Too see your dedication and faith in God rewarded. You have changed so much since we got together. I see more and more of my God in you. And He is so amazing. There is no one like Him. He brings so much peace and joy. What a wonderful God. Talking about Him brings a smile on my face. Tha...

"You're neither friend nor foe. Though I can't seem to let you go. The one think I still know is that you're keeping me down." - Sara Bareilles I really love that lyric from this beautiful song. It speaks so well to my situation. God has offered me the light to shine on this dark place. I took the flashlight instead of the anointing oil. Battery power doesn't deliver. The energizer bunny don't keep going on and on. Black holes don't absorb light. So cut off the flashlights and shine. It's a power outrage going down. I've been putting battery power in situations that call for oil. It's dripping. Now what's holding me back? Nothing!! We meet in secret places. You never show your face but I can feel you. Standing behind me waiting to introduce yourself. Curiosity causes me to turn praying it's someone new. Someone else trying to catch my attention. I'm disappointed once again. Head low body turning mouth open. But nothing comes out...

If my life was as productive as my thinking I would never get any sleep. I would always be up and at em. Going in like there is no tomorrow. But it’s not. So I dwell on my thoughts day and night. Some good some bad but all are my own. Right now I am at a cross road of spiritual growth and decay. I have to pick which one I would prefer to do. Of course I want to grow more in You. There is no question about it. It comes with so much I am so afraid of. I’ve lost so much over the past 5 years. So many people changed for the worst while others stayed the same and I happily moved forward. But God, You know the saying count your blessings. I don't want to experience decay. And often times that means leaving people behind and striking out on your own so to speak. I know that no matter what I will always have You. Or at least I pray You will love me enough to come rescue me if I ever need to be saved. As great as our relationship is it could be a million times better. I’m just not sure if i...