Destinations

"Love (human affection) has put me through so much. Ive cried held on let go let God. Stayed. Thought about leaving. Threw in the towel went to go wash it. Prayed and fasted. Stopped moving moved too fast. Sometimes I need a break from love." - Shanithia That one little mini paragraph is exactly how I feel right about now. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how else to explain it but that's it. On more than one occasion a couple different people have told me I need to let these relationships go and be by myself for a while. I need to enjoy the world around me cause once I get married I'm going to wish I had enjoyed life a little more. I always laughed about. I'm still laughing about that actually. I enjoy my life most days. Cant say all days cause these past four days have been....lets just say I've had way way way way better days. I don't feel as if the world has anything for me except foolishness and more trouble than I'm already promised. And

"I made up my mind it was time to move. This place can no longer hold the glory God is trying to get from me" - Type.Classy I've been writing praying crying worshipping meditating and listening to God about this for so long. God gave me an answer a long time ago. But I was too immature to accept and apply when I asked the question. I always use to wonder what it was and now I know. This situation is showing me how to step out on faith. Never in my life have I been where I'm about to go. This is a totally new experience for me. This is the first time I will do this the right way. The way God intended it to be from the beginning.Everything I do affects somebody else. That was the toughest thing I had to swallow especially when it came from someone I love so much and admire even more. It shook me for the longest. But all I could do was sit and continue to listen. My life is not my own no more. I cant do what I want to do when I'm ready to do it. Some of my favorite t

*EMMM EMMM this isn't my typical blog. This is just me thinking.* "Him : So what would it take for you to submit Shan? Me : A lot of time commitment and trust." Ive been having dreams lately about the next steps I have to take in my walk with Christ. It all seems so exciting and fascinating. Its mind blowing to know God visits me every night with a story for me to live out in the morning. But lately I have been living in the past. I wake up to a new day just to have the mindset of yesterday. Its tough. But I adapt quickly in most situations. Now I'm just use to it. Some days I don't even notice it. Its dangerous. And I'm here all the time. Waiting on something I should be doing. I can wait on healing all day long but the scriptures declare that if I have faith I am healed. Jesus tells the woman with the blood issue to go she is healed. Not go and you will be healed. At this point I should be on top of the is and not the will be. You can miss out on a whole lot

"And when I look back on it all the people who hurt me the most protected me the hardest." - HyQuality I took a long deep breath while I thought long and about if I should listen or keep it moving. I decided to take a chance on healing and listen to what was said. So I wrote everything. Every person action place and memory. I wrote everything down one two sheets of notebook paper. I felt free. Writing has always been an opportunity for me to open up and let God touch me in places no one has touched in years. I cried. The pressure had been released. I wasn't sure if I should have put this up. Then I had a dream. Changed my entire perspective. I started this blog for me. Destinations was a way for me to see my journey in my own words. Ive been hurt by a lot of people. Mostly males. But its all apart of life. I learned that seasons do change and people don't stay the same. So I buy another ticket and travel on until I arrive at a place I can truly call home. So here goes

"Delayed obedience is still disobedience." "Every daughter deserves a father. But what happens when he really wanted a son?" AHH the joys of prayer. Its been having my mind racing lately. A lot of stuff is starting to come out. I seem to have a lot to say that dont get said. All of that keeps me up 4am. Im so thankful for the gift to write. Its my loud confident fearless powerful voice. Im crystal clear when I write. This is the coversation. They say solitary confinement is cruel and unusual punishment. And I walk in it daily. Not ready to free myself cause I would have to trust some one else. Its not a hell hole until I need somebody. And they walk away every time. I'm left as a distant memory. A figure not worthy of their shadows. I love it nobody but me. Nobody to knock me down. Nobody to never be there. Just me to feed myself understanding in doses. I hate it nobody for us. No semi that comes full circle. No we can do this together. No carry me home cause I&

"I heard a word saying girl you'll be fine. I heard a word that would ease my troubled mind" -Heard A Word : Michelle Williams Whole bunch going on in my head. So much noise I cant really hear you. You know the last time my mind was crystal clear I was doing stuff I don't do no more. Everything just got super complicated out of no where. Or maybe I just started doing stuff because other people thought it was important. Either way it goes im not sure if im moving forward or at a stand still. That's so dangerous. I know you can and will protect my mind. And I can honestly say I need that right now. I feel sufocated just sitting here unsure about everything. Well not everything. Im sure about you and one other thing. Its just funny how when I became sure he wasnt no more. Then it turned into oh maybe I should do this first and that first. And its making me think I should have kept it moving. Maybe I meditate on it way too much. Its super frustrating for me to make a

"Whether you open your mouth or not you are communicating. We cannot avoid communication." Yet I'm not ready for this one. All these years. I've replayed the conversation in my head. I'd talk to God and attempt to explain myself and my actions. Like why the distance made me fall in love or why saying nothing gave me time to say something. It started to make sense in parts. Halves but no wholes. I admired the back so we never met face to face. My vocabulary wasn't expanding because I rarely used it. And the times when I did it was more death than life. I could kill it all in a matter of words no guilt no shame. Just bucket of sarcasm and a pocket full of hurt. I walked around for 19 years with a knife in one half of my heart and the other half no longer in service. It was the cut that dug deeper and hurt so bad I couldn't feel it. Never got stuck on bandaid brand cause it just couldn't heal me. They tell me time heals all wounds. Im 21 years old and it

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night skies are shooting stars. I could really use a wish right now." - Hayley Williams (Paramore) One night I was really going through it. I was watching tv (reminded me why I barely cut it on sigh) and I ran across an episode of The Game. Needless to say as many of us know Derwin had a baby. And it wasn't his girlfriends child. He told her that his child was more important than her and she asked this simple question. The question was how am I suppose to compete with that. Sigh. For those of you close to me you get what had me so choked up. But it got me thinking and I wrote this. It's time like these that I just don't feel like she is me. Like I am a strong as people tell me. Like I can make it from this place once again. The same place I find myself every single time something happens. Some days I'm here to stay standing tall and fearless. Other days I fall back. I fall down praying something soft will catch me. Like lo

"Transparency: no matter how much stuff is blocking up your well, There is always someone who can see EVERYTHING!- Type.Classy I really don't have much to say about this one. The quote above pretty much tells the whole story. So instead of a long story ill say this prayer. Father God I come to you with praise upon my lips. You are so holy and faithful. So wonderful and true. You are everything to me. I give my entire life to you so that I might be a light to shine in your glory. I ask that you renew and restore my mind daily. Order my steps and guide my thoughts. Conquer my mind so that I may be more like Christ day in and day out. I thank you for the Holy Lamb. The blood that saved my life. I believe forever and always in that blood and its everlasting power. I plead that very blood over all those that need it right now for healing deliverance and protection. I believe with all my heart and confess with my own mouth that you are my Lord. Its in Jesus name I submit this reque

Late night thinking "We lost our way took this too far. Now ill never find the pieces of my heart" - cold case love I never really liked this song. But lately it's been the story of my moment. I really don't know what I feel. My emotions are running out of control. Truth be told I feel comfortable here. But it's not natural. It's a world I created to emerce myself in when I lacked understanding and answers. There was this really cute saying one of my most loved teachers would also say. She would tell us this during our test but I have found it to be a useful quote when life hands you lemons and you don't feel like making any more lemonade. It goes like this : everything you need to know comes to you when need to know it. This is very true. It's even declared in the scriptures, John 14:26. But even with that being said my eyes are still not open. I still see everything but what I'm looking for. In times like these prayer helps so much. But I can'

"He never said it would be easy. But he promised me help. That help comes from this gift I have. Id be lost without this" - Type.Classy I must say these are incomplete. My mind has been racing full speed ahead and this is the result. Its two parts not meant to be connected. So here we go part one "Control is a state of mind. Those that think they have it don't. But those they know they don't do." - Type.Classy We are like two enemies. Constant battle of who gets what and why. We can't compromise. We want the same thing the same way. I'm not giving in for you. But you're persistent. And sometimes I just don't have the energy. As much as I hate you I just want some rest. Peace of mind body and soul. We can hate later. This could kill me. But I can't say I care enough to live. If I die you die too and that's my aim. I'll never be able to come back but I'm ready to go forward. We can't be us no more. There has to be separation

"But you promised me you would be there when seasons change." - Tamyra Gray Coldest Winter It gets kinda lonely. Nothing growing barren grounds no flowers to smell no beautiful landscape to see. Water turns into blocks of ice. The streets become the perfect ice skating tracks. Long nights lead to thinking. The later it gets the closer to zero degrees I go. I'm trying to warm up. I'm so cold the heat from hell wont melt my heart. Omarion's ice box had nothing on the chills and frostbite I use to break hearts. Midnight tears leave morning icicles I no longer take off. I'm dying. Nothing can compare to letting yourself go. To opening up to people who scream trust me. If I had a dollar for every one who I met who's first name was trust middle me and last Shan Id be across the seas searching for him. When you open up once you will never be the same. But if you do it twice you have a special gift. As much as I fear being alone, I'm only willing to unlock the

"two extremes never have a common middle ground. It's either one or the other." - hyquality emotion : my definition is very wide. If I had to roll with one I would say the way you feel and how you express what you feel. At least for me that seems to hold very true. Every one seems to base how I feel off what I do. I'm a very consistent person. I'm the same way all the time. There are rare occasions when I flip. It throws people off but that's life. Can we truly say the absence of a smile is the evidence of no happiness. For majority of my life I've always struggled with looking for the perfect coat of skin. Either I put too many on or I ran out of paint. I can never seem to be properly dressed for any occasion. I've been so dominant in my past that the only alternative I seem to have is being totally submissive. I've gone from taking my middle finger attitude every where I go to carrying half my heart on my sleeve. It's so easy to act like I do

Smoking : to dream that you are smoking indicates that you are trying to shield yourself and others against your emotions. You have trouble letting others in. [from dreammoods.com dream dictionary] Purification comes through two vessels. Education and correction. - Type.Classy I wake up with the taste of ashes and unclean air in my mouth. Like I myself had lit one up inhaled to hard and choked. It was so real to me. I picked up one and it immediately burned to ashes and from those ashes another grew. It was the second time. I usually don't have the same dream twice but lately these two have been popping up. Same story different people/objects and a new setting. What is this trying to tell me. What is He yelling at me to prepare for. In the back of your mind you always have answers. The one furthest back is usually the complete truth. The one you avoid in the light but cant run away from fast enough in the dark. You have no choice but to accept and consider in your sleep. So my mind

So it's been a rough couple of days. I suppose my emotions have been highly unstable. I find my self very hard to deal with. But I suppose that's pretty much all chicks some more than others. I got a lot going on in my head. So much stuff I need to think through that I just haven't made time for. A whole lot could be so much better than it is now. I've been so patient with myself I feel like I'm about to explode. My prayer life is sliding down a hill daily. I still pray daily just about all day but it's not as heart felt as usual. As odd as this may seem I am so happy about all that you have been recieving. It's so good to see so much moving in a different direction for you. Too see your dedication and faith in God rewarded. You have changed so much since we got together. I see more and more of my God in you. And He is so amazing. There is no one like Him. He brings so much peace and joy. What a wonderful God. Talking about Him brings a smile on my face. Tha

"You're neither friend nor foe. Though I can't seem to let you go. The one think I still know is that you're keeping me down." - Sara Bareilles I really love that lyric from this beautiful song. It speaks so well to my situation. God has offered me the light to shine on this dark place. I took the flashlight instead of the anointing oil. Battery power doesn't deliver. The energizer bunny don't keep going on and on. Black holes don't absorb light. So cut off the flashlights and shine. It's a power outrage going down. I've been putting battery power in situations that call for oil. It's dripping. Now what's holding me back? Nothing!! We meet in secret places. You never show your face but I can feel you. Standing behind me waiting to introduce yourself. Curiosity causes me to turn praying it's someone new. Someone else trying to catch my attention. I'm disappointed once again. Head low body turning mouth open. But nothing comes out

If my life was as productive as my thinking I would never get any sleep. I would always be up and at em. Going in like there is no tomorrow. But it’s not. So I dwell on my thoughts day and night. Some good some bad but all are my own. Right now I am at a cross road of spiritual growth and decay. I have to pick which one I would prefer to do. Of course I want to grow more in You. There is no question about it. It comes with so much I am so afraid of. I’ve lost so much over the past 5 years. So many people changed for the worst while others stayed the same and I happily moved forward. But God, You know the saying count your blessings. I don't want to experience decay. And often times that means leaving people behind and striking out on your own so to speak. I know that no matter what I will always have You. Or at least I pray You will love me enough to come rescue me if I ever need to be saved. As great as our relationship is it could be a million times better. I’m just not sure if i

Random quote by me that has absolutely nothing to do with this post. lol. but i like the way it sounds. may use it later in another piece. but here we go: "looking for another way out. just wondering if you would stop by and say hi. never wanted to travel this road by myself. but you're never around to be my free call for help. we started off as us and ended up as me and you" - Type.Classy Snapshot Do you take me to be your lawfully wedded wife to have and to hold from this day forward for better or for worse for richer or for poorer in sickness and in health to love and to cherish from this day forward until death do us part? Snapshot Late night conversations filled with bright smiles and loud laughter. Exchanging mental thoughts to understand my mind. Free falling laying in my bed. No cement in sight just the heavens above. Heart beat and breathing controlled by your speech. Fairytale love endures even the test of time. Snapshot You can't never understand me. When i

What a rough night it has been. Too much pain being thrown around and not enough love. One of the things I absolutley love about my personal salvation is he hears me even when he doesn't speak and I always recieve just what I need to make it through. What an awesome God. I will praise His Holy name for the rest of my life before I open up my mouth to complain. He has done more than I deserve and more than I dare ask or imagine. His very nature is a provider. He is perfect peace and He is victory. See I learned how to praise not too long ago in spirit and truth. Now I refuse to remain in anything I don't have to and the stuff I have to be in I will be victorious through the blood shed and poured over my life daily. I will not be a victim. I may fall but I will get up. I am a queen. I will reside in the house of the living Lord at all times. Okay I had to get that out my system. I surely came to talk about something else but I couldn't. The lord called me to be a worshipper n

"ain't that i don't love you no more. i'm just exhausted. and i'm tired of going there with you. i'm just exhausted. don't tell me that you don't feel it too." - Tyra B. so when did we get here? explain to me how total bliss can come and be destroyed in a matter of seconds. you refuse to see the wrong and i just simply cant see the right. we stay in the same boat but you always seem to forget i can see you. this attack is coming from a the same person its always coming from. the enemy is always up to something. and some how he gets the best of us from time to time. its really sad. because we so educated but something happens and we get to ignorant. im kind of tired of the same old same old. the apologies coming like they suppose to mean something. like they serve a purpose. cause in my mind they really don't. but i wont let that stop me from forgiving you. thats for purely personal reasons. i need my own forgiveness. so if i have to give me you

"I must have been asleep making decisions. I woke up feeling different. It wasn't what I was asking for said we got potential of forever" - Tynisha Keli This chick is amazing. Such a dope artist. You guys should follow her @tynishakeli but be warned she ain't no lil girl and she (and her fans) will let you have it. lol. But anyways this lyric caught my mind. Sometimes i wonder did I fall asleep in the most beautiful dream and wake up to live out a nightmare. Its crazy. Smiles are getting harder to come by now a days. But daily I am learning to rejoice in my very first love *God* Its taking some time. But i know i will get back there one day. Right now im enjoying the journey back. Learning what I did wrong to slide all the way back down. This time I promise myself that I wont be coming back down. I hope I can keep this one promise to myself. Cause I have truly broke a ton of them. I look back on the journey of my heart and realize just how far I haven't even come

"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of a Hell or a Hell of a Heaven." - John Milton So im thinking about everything. consistently constantly wondering what if this or what if that. its driving me crazy but it never stops. i can make something so simple and loving so horrible and scary by getting my mind started. it can go from awww today he said i was sweet to i wonder why he said that to maybe he trying to make up for our fight last night to he just trying to get back on my good side and etc. just that quick i made something so great not that great. my mind has been on fire. i had a crazy dream. a mentor of mine from high school saw me at the mall. i ran over to her and we talked. she wasnt as excited as i was about it. but i didnt notice none of this in my dream. so the min conversation ended cause my father came over and told me wear to meet him at when i get done. so i was like is your number the same. and she was like no. and i was like mine isnt

[Verse 1] You're everything i thought you never were and nothing like i thought you could have been. but still you live inside of me. so tell me how is that. you're the only one i wish i could forget. the only one id love to not forgive. and though you break my heart you're the only one. and though there are times when i hate you cause i cant erase the times that you heart me and put tears on my face. and even now while i hate you it pains me to say i know ill be there at the end of the day. [Chorus] i don't want to be with out you babe i don't want a broken heart. don't want to take a breath without you baby i don't want to play that part i know that i love you but let me just say i don't want to love you in no kind of way no no i don't want a broken heart and i don't want to play the broken hearted girl these two parts of the song describe my exact situation. its everything I'm going through right now. and bey, i couldn't say said it b

"Misery loves company by now you should know people always have advice about being together when their all alone" - Dru Hill For anybody that really knows me, this is one of my absolute favorite lyrics from a song. I quote it alllllll the time. Its so very true. A lot of times we ask people for advice when they're not in a suitable situation to give advice. How can a single individual give me advice about making my relationship work when they aint got no man. AND yes i said aint got no. but seriously thats really crazy. a lot of times i thing back on the advice i have taken from people. many times it wasnt good advice. it was just something i wanted to hear. it was like my so called friends were just spoon feeding my ego and intellect. nobody wanted to say baby girl you wrong or thats not the right mindset to have you have to look at it another way. Now when i look to people for advice i pray before hand. I pray that my heart and mind are open to accept that which is righ

"But baby it doesn't have to be. Like the way that im at a tragedy. Its beautiful and its blue. And its pitiful and its through. its the other half of me."- Rihanna How are you capable of telling me what I can handle? I know me better than anybody on this Earth. The only person who knows me better than myself is my GOD!! I am a very strong woman to be the age that I am. I can handle anything that I put my mind to and my energy too. All i need is too hands to fold and a mouth to speak. Those are my only weapons in battle. Love was such a beautiful part of me. Kept me in such high hopes and satisfaction. i loved it all. Until my definition changed. and i filled it with you. thinking the analogy was the same cause you had some of the original contents too. and i was wrong. it hurts to admit that cause i was the last to see that. the copy never plays out as well. it looks so good to my eyes but in my heart it felt so wrong and i stayed by it. too caught up in being wrong to a

So for those of you that follow ms. teyana taylor (@teyanataylor) on ustream you know she does a show called late nights with dr. t. during the shower she pics random topics to discuss and ask her viewers to send emails with questions only pertaining to the topic. tonights topic was tell him the truth. so im listening to all the crazy questions people are putting out. laughing and joking at the crazy stuff she says. like no ma'am no ham no turkey. and its new its fresh its in its purple. lol. but on to the next lol anyways so a viewer decided to send a question in that hit me close to home. her question was too make a long story short her ex best friend currently dates her ex boyfriend, what should she do. so teyana goes well you know they both wrong. tell him and her to keep the change cause they dead wrong. so it hit me kind of personal. now i currently date my ex best friends ex boyfriend. before all of this came along i always felt like this was wrong. but you cant help who you

Caught up in the resurrection of second guessing keeps me up all night. Wondering if this was meant to be if it could be a forever me and you. Not sure what our future holds but im staying right here. Im not a fan of change so I always stand still. Waiting for something to happen. I guess thats how i feel so hard so fast so quick cause my feet were to stubborn to move. So you managed to steal my heart like a thief in the night i wasnt expecting you. The truth hurts somethings but what im about to say could flip your world. The past is catching up quickly i have no time too loose. What if he could come back and take this all away. What if i would run off and leave your heart in pieces? What if it didnt work and I came back to you? Could you accept me and all the pain I put you through. These are questions thoughts emotions that keep me up all night. The mind is a dangerous place to dwell. Hold on to the dreams in your heart cause Ill break you. So thats whats really on my mind. i