Destinations

All my life I've been controlled by emotions. I sense freedom in my next worship session but because I can't feel it I won't grab it. I put my faith in things I could eventually touch. Hatred so thick I could cut a slice. Love so blind I made him my world. Fear so loud I lost track of time. Nothing so strong I couldn't feel anything. Disappointment so wide I knew it was coming. All in the name of facing my giants. I looked them square in the eye and decided to be friends. I figured if I got close they had no reason to kill me. I was wrong. i remember waiting on steps. crying myself to sleep as I waited every second for the doorbell to ring. not wanting to move because i knew he was coming soon. 7 turned into 9. 9 turned into to 11. 11 turned into tears on my pillow until sleep granted me peace. i remember jokes i couldn't laugh at. are you sure we're related? don't call me. ill call you. eventually i laughed to keep from crying. made so many jokes i never

Picture This Walking without a set destination. Wondering when my left and right switched positions causing me to go backwards. Hoping I would trip upon my future and land inside His will. Not sure if he still feels the same. He loves me He loves me not. Or maybe I don't love Him. Picture This A young lady fighting to hold on to what she knows. Not willing to give in to her past. Scared that she will disappoint those if they really knew the picture that sin snapped of her. Hoping they would believe for themselves but knowing the cross is heavy. Lord you said your burden is light and your yoke is easy. So why do I feel so heavy? Picture This Love blossoming like beautiful roses in a stone garden. Seperated but holding on tighter than ever before. Beautiful things come from hard places. Walking around several times doesn't always mean the walls fall down. Crazy things happen when you let Egypt conquer Judah. These jeans would fit better if I knew who I was. Picture This It

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power love and a sound mind." - 2 Timothy 1:7 " There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." - 1 John 4:18 I get a lot of "advice" about love and my relationship. Some good some bad and some that doesn't deserve my attention. Positivity helps me filter through what I need to keep and what I need to throw away. Sometimes I choose what agrees with my feelings over the wisdom that God is pouring out. I'm not perfect. That doesn't take away from my responsibility its simply a statement of truth. I choose to be who He called me to be because who my flesh desires to be will kill me. With that being said here we go. The Way You Love Me- Anthony Evans I try my best not to get set in my ways. I know that my ways are not His ways and therefore they are null and void. They shouldn't have any power over who I a

"The Holy Spirit is my teacher and who better than Him? I must be teachable if I plan on and growing. And sometimes that means walking ahead with no instruction just a destination." - Type.Classy Sometimes is nice to hear yourself say who you are. It builds your confidence and helps you stand a little taller. I am a firm believer in knowing who you are. People in this world attach so many perverted names to children of God. They pass insults around like notes in high school. They try to pin labels on you not worthy of the King who lives in you. The solution for most is speak no hear no see no. The less attention we give to it the quicker it dies. Yet we forget where the true power resides: think no. We meditate day and night on he say she say forgetting what He said. I was once in this situation. Lending my mind to this world and my ear to Jesus. Yeah He said I was fearfully and wonderfully made but I know He would never create junk like me. You are what you eat. My spirit

"The second it seems like everything is falling apart run to God who can put better things together. " - Sincerely.Shanae [my tumblr] One of the best things about BMT is airmen's time in the day room. Its the one chance you get to be free of everything around you. Its where my hope joy and strength came from. I had time to push myself into God. To invade His space like never before. All the letters I received were answered prayer. I have connected with a couple of my flight mates via FB. I see how they respond to each other almost like sisters. The i miss yous and the remember the time whens remind me that I never developed a solid relationship with any of them. I spent a lot of time by myself in my own little corner praying to God. We were inseparable. I talked to Him day and night. In good times and bad times. He became my family. He was my mother father sister brother aunt uncle grandma grandpa etc. He listened to my pain on bad days. He set my joy on fire on my good d

"Could it be that the same people who hurt you won't get delivered until you do?" - by @preachaboy03 taken from Ms. Rhachelle Nicol' As I strolled down my fb stream I came across this status message. I read it just like I read anything else and moved on about my day. Or so I thought. For some strange reason it stuck with me. It was as if God was using this simple question to calm my built up frustration and to answer my silent prayers. There is so much more to writing than pencil and paper. Its not a convenient gift. I can't turn it off and on like a light switch. I don't always have pen and paper. Sometimes all I have is a cell phone and a memo app. Sometimes i have an iPod and email. Then there are those rare times where I have nothing but a souled out mind. I sit patiently waiting for God to fill my mind up praying I can remember what He said so I can pour it out on paper when I get home. But some how it never goes that way. I forget every time. Everything

"There is a king in me. Goliath's to defeat. Visions to decree. Its my destiny. Don't count me out." - Marvin Sapp I see a lot of things as I walk around my temporary home. I've been blessed to have an amazing amount of influence and favor where God places my feet. I have been honored to see stories and see girls grow into strong women. I have also seen the opposite. Young ladies pouring out their all to similar faces that changed names. They wear the breastplate of Jezebel like rubies taking pride in the forbidden fruits that make nations fall. Passing their temples along like hand me down clothes from one generation to the next. Ignorant of the King who died to live inside of them and reign forever. Scared to place their hearts in His hands because the cliches taught in church never said anything about hurt pain or tears. Heartbreak Hotel and Cold Nights Inn were never meant to be home. But we all know a handful of chicks who stay their paying the monthly

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. - John 8:36 "It is the hurt that breaks me it’s the pain that pulls me to my knees and the tears they’ve changed me til what I couldn’t see Becomes so clear to me This is the way The way that you love me" - Anthony Evans Where do I begin? Its been a long 2 months. I went through every emotion there is. I cried more than I slept and prayed more than I breathed. I was isolated from every single comfort zone I faithfully rested my head upon. All I had was a mouth to pray and hands to praise. It was just me and God. And though I know He would never leave nor forsake me I had never felt so alone. I felt abandoned and cut off. The dreams I had grown so accustomed to were no where to be found. The very gift through which all my answered prayer came was out of service. I felt like my prayer was in vain. I started to focus my mind on other things. I begin to rely on people back home to tell me what God was saying. I patiently

Psalm 91:1-2, 4-5, 9-12 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in he shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge,- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. What is in the room when you enter into the presence of God? I've been thinking about this one question all day long. I'm thinking about it now as I type this blog. Its so much I can place in the room. I asked my amazing boyfriend what was in the room. You know what he

Psalm 77 1-2 & 7-14 I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted. "Will the Lord reject me forever? Will he never show me His favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?" Selah. Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High." I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds. Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. Ahhh the beautiful psalms. They are breaths of fresh air to a weary soul. They are reminders to me that its okay to show emotion. Its okay to admit to God t

Psalm 42: 1-4 & 7-8 As the deer pants for streams of water so my soul pants or you, O God.My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night,while men say to me all day long where is your God?These things I remember as I pour out my soul:how i use to go with the multitude leading the procession of the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the lord directs his love at night his song is with me a prayer to the God of my life. I'm almost speechless once again. Ive read this one psalm a thousand times, okay maybe a hundred but who's counting anyway. Ive been meditating on this one word all day and some where in this psalm is the question I'm looking for. Actually is right there in verse 2 part b. Last night the lord whispered one word to me. Now as I type this i real

Psalm 23 The Lord is my Shepard I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me besides the quiet waters. He refreshes my quiet soul. He guides me along the right path for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley I will fear no evil for you are with me your rod and your staff they comfort me. You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love with follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. No matter how many times I read this, no matter what version I read it in the effect is always the same. It always brings me great peace and comfort. I can never seem to get past the lord is before my entire face lights up and a smile spreads across my face. There is great joy and victory here for me. I use to read this every night before I went to sleep. It reminded me that I was not alone. That rest was the Lord

And I just sat there. Staring at it. Reading thinking over and over again. Wondering how I could have avoided it all together. Trying to remind myself that everything doesn't deserve a response. I wanted to scream and cry. But all I could do was shake hands and congratulate. It was the best worst news of my entire life. I never wanted to hear these three words. We had this conversation before and it was suppose to remain just that a conversation. Imagine how quickly words can come to life. How a simple sentence can be spoken today and manifested tomorrow. In a lot of ways as much as I hate to admit it, I needed to hear those words. I needed to know or sure that I had really made the right move. I needed to cast down the many imaginations I had me being apart of that sentence. I still didn't want to hear it. The confirmation the process the beginning the healing all wrapped in one. God is beginning to go through the list. To give everything we wrote down a judgement of life or d

And he gave me hands. Hands to write the vision and make it plain. Hands to wipe every tear as He counted the blessings they would bring. He gave me feet. Feet to walk in the path he set before me. To run this race and endure all that comes my way. To jump over and walk through the valley of the shadow of death. He gave me a mouth. To shout the praises of a living king. To worship the glory of the holy lamb. To move the mountains to new places. To conquer the spirit of silence. He gave me life. Became who I am so I could be who he is. Laid down so I could stand firm. Cried out so I could dream big. Stepped down so I could be set free. Broke chains so I could serve him. Passed down the letter and canceled it through grace. He gave me love. Love to overcome breakthrough. To nurture bring life and survive. To rebuke loneliness inspire and grow. My King My Saviour My Redeemer who is patient and kind. Keeps no records of my wrongs wont delight in my evil ways protects trusts and hop

April 23, 2011 1:13am I broke the New Year open with new dreams new aspirations and a new identity. I was on a journey to find out all I could possibly stand to know about myself. It’s been super tough. There are some things about me that I never cared to know and some things about me that I love but can’t hold on to. The journey hasn't been all bad. I’ve become freer. I begin to move away from certain people and gravitate towards others. I'm trying my best not to seclude myself in my own world. Being alone is so easy. Nobody around but me. I don't have to rejoice over the entrance and weep over the exit. But God declared in Genesis that it was not good for Man to be alone. I take it an all knowing God wouldn’t call a bad thing good or a good thing bad. He is wise like that. Last week I hit a major bump in my journey. On my way to campus I ran into somebody who was of major importance to me. We shared a moment. And just like that my morning/afternoon began to fall apart. I

"Where there is hope there is faith. Where there is faith there is love. Where there is love their is God. Where their is God there is no need." ANON. I remember my teenage loves. The energy and time I put into making everything work. From the break ups to make ups. Late night phone calls and early morning cake sessions. Intense arguements that could commit genocide. Yet somehow it didnt hurt after im sorry. If I could love like that without God, imagine how much more I could with him. God's love is limitless. It opperates outside space and time. It knows no boundaries no conditions and no yesterdays. He is so busy loving me He cant remember my iniquity transgression and sin. Marriage is a crystal clear representation of this love. A commitment that only death can end. Me and love (the feeling not the person) have a strange relationship. Sometimes it colors my world. Yellow sunshine so bright the energy warms my soul. Crystal blue skies that capture my every thought. Ever

"For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it" - Luke 9:24 {NIV 2011} I have lost a lot of people in my past. Its all a part of coming to know Christ. You cannot sit in the same atmosphere influenced by the same culture of a few strongmen and live souled out. Either you are a change agent or an agent that is changed. Ive worshiped a lot of things and people in my past. I was ashamed of God because He was not cool. I wanted sensation not salvation. But some where along the road to Christ I lost myself. I gave up everything I thought I was to become who He said I am. For years I was stuck in this cycle of forever ending tomorrow. I was walking backwards looking straight ahead wondering how I ended up here again and again. I exchanged permanent for temporary because I wasn't willing to wait. Yet He wasn't willing to watch me die. He began to tear down idols. Everything I put before Him He consumed in a fire so hot Hi

everything. e v e r y t h i n g. ev er y is this so hard to do. th i need more than just you. ng. every time i think about how close we could should would be i move 10 steps back. thing s take time. but time doesnt heal God does. Ive been waiting days weeks months still broken. master. m a s t e r. m as king you daily to restore and renew. waiting but not working. expecting but not truly wanting. ter. mas sive attacks from the enemy. being pressed down and shaken up forgetting that you promised my cup would run over. when will i serve you serve i will when. ter abytes down hard eating up all the faith i saved for the winter. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled. [Matthew 5:6] fresh bread and new wine. provider. p r o v i d e r. pr ide makes me think i can protect myself even though my death was not is not and will not be enough to pardon my sins. ov id kay who to be free with. relationships open doors, some you walk through and some you clos

"Chest to chest. Nose to nose. Palm to palm. We were just that close. Wrist to wrist. Toe to toe.....So how come when I reach out my finger it feels like more than distance between us." - California King Bed: Rihanna Chest to chest The simplest of friendships start with the warmness of a hug. The closest that two hearts can be and still beat. Love has a language of its own. One you can only become fluent in through a relationship with Christ. But hugs are different. The embrace of open arms that only close when you come inside caused my first accident. I smashed into you and became paralyzed from the waist down. You picked me up vowing to never let me fall. Palm to palm We never interlocked fingers. We simply held hands. Conversations overlapping future speeches. Wisdom flying at the speed of light with no cops to pull us over. Hand shakes quickly turned into high fives as the intimacy reduced to seconds. Never hungry enough to eat the entire plate. From refrigerator to trash

13 “Therefore stay alert, because you do not know the day or the hour. 14 For it is like a man going on a journey, who summoned his slaves and entrusted his property to them. 15 To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16 The one who had received five talents went off right away and put his money to work and gained five more. 17 In the same way, the one who had two gained two more. 18 But the one who had received one talent went out and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money in it. 19 After a long time, the master of those slaves came and settled his accounts with them. 20 The one who had received the five talents came and brought five more, saying, ‘Sir, you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.’ 21 His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful in a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your mas

"I choose to worship right here in the midst of everything that I'm going through. Tears running down my face. Don't know where to go. Don't have nobody to talk to but I've made up my mind; I'm going to worship you. In spirit and in truth I bless your name I glorify you right now I'm desperate for your presence God. I'm coming after you. " - Wess Morgan (I Choose To Worship) Selfish: devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interest benefits welfare etc., regardless of others. Selfless: having little or no concern for oneself especially with regard to fame position money etc. Sometimes its so easy to be selfish. To sit in all your problems and complain. To worry about the troubles of tomorrow at the rising of the sun today. This is my greatest battle to date. Often times I get so caught up in the issues of life I forget who God is. I stress and worry about how im going to get here how im going to take care of th

"I've been persecuted but not forsaken. Cast down but not destroyed. I have something this world can't take. Away from me" - VaShawn Mitchell Since I bought this CD it has been a source of encouragement and a true blessing. It's rare for me to find gospel artist who's music has a message that expands past God's gone bless you real good or you coming out of that situation right now. Don't get me wrong I'm not against those types of songs. But we as Christians have got to learn how to endure. Sometimes we get so caught up in God take me out we forget to pray God take me through. What kind of Christian would you be if you never went through something? You have to be tried in the fire to come out gold. This walk is not easy. Sometimes I get weak and just lay in defeat. I stand on sorrow and self pity instead of the word of God. Then I think about God's joy. It is my strength it is my smile it is my light in the dark it's my resting place. Every

"Experience is the best teacher for it never leaves a child behind." - Shan How to be a lady. It's such a strange statement. A cliche with a thousand different meanings but only one truth. This is my goal for the year. To learn how to be a lady. The seed of a lady came from a man but can only be duplicated by a woman can. There is so much for me to explore. I'm so far beyond the basic physical and mental traits. Always carry lip gloss and earrings check. Let your presence shout while your voice is barely above a whisper check. Respect yourself in all you do check. But what about the spiritual virtues? I love sitting in a room with older women (about 40+) talking about what my little 21 year old self calls problems. They always laugh at me not in a mean way but in an I remember when way. The laughter to me is refreshing. It helps eat up the pain in my speech and fills my heart with joy. I cherish these moments. They don't happen much nowadays. Most older grown wome

Deep calls unto deep at the noise of your waterfalls - Psalm 42:7a The beginning is not the start and the end is not the finish. I guess that means I'm caught up in the middle. I'm laying everything out in this one blog. To the person who this makes complete and total sense to I love you far more than you think I do. I wish I knew how to forgive you. How to love you past the unlimited stabs in my back and heart. How to look you in your eyes to say I need you even though you may not need me back. It's hard to look at you. To imagine an us in total peace. It's not normal. Right now I'm counting on God to heal me. I believe he made me to love. But right now I can't because I'm not free. My heart is in a complex condition. But God is breaking me into pieces. Attempting to shatter my past and present so he can build this amazing future. Do I trust him? What if he never puts me back together? What if this hurts more than I can take? What if I can't be here be

"I'm not saying its all holy. This music reflects my walk. I'm a saint with a past who by the grace of God has a future." - HyQuality Whew! I haven't done one of these in a while. I use to write these in my unsaved days. Always about everybody but the Creator. Not this time. This one is dedicated to the love of my life. The man who keeps me who comforts me who wipes every tear from my eyes. The man who protects me day and night who waited for me to come home who is not a ashamed of me even when I'm ashamed of myself. The man who is King of all Kings the source of my resources. Jesus Christ. Redemption: Tape 1 Side A Chasing Pavements - Adele I was having the time of my life. I figured cause I wasn't drinking smoking or having sex I was surely going to heaven. I had sins of my own but nobody is perfect. In my mind a curse word here and there was okay and a few when you get man was natural. Somebody even told me they cursed in the Bible and who can argue wit