April 23, 2011 1:13am
I broke the New Year open with new dreams new aspirations and a new identity. I was on a journey to find out all I could possibly stand to know about myself. It’s been super tough. There are some things about me that I never cared to know and some things about me that I love but can’t hold on to. The journey hasn't been all bad. I’ve become freer. I begin to move away from certain people and gravitate towards others. I'm trying my best not to seclude myself in my own world. Being alone is so easy. Nobody around but me. I don't have to rejoice over the entrance and weep over the exit. But God declared in Genesis that it was not good for Man to be alone. I take it an all knowing God wouldn’t call a bad thing good or a good thing bad. He is wise like that. Last week I hit a major bump in my journey. On my way to campus I ran into somebody who was of major importance to me. We shared a moment. And just like that my morning/afternoon began to fall apart. I continued my drive fighting tears. Who knew a couple of seconds had such a stronghold on me. I went searching for a sister of mine still trying to fight the tears until I could say what I needed to say. I didn’t find her in enough time. In a matter of seconds the tears came rushing. I realized that at that point my spirit had enough. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. All the hurt pain anger joy peace love and memories left one by one. I was so backed up I was waking up in 2011 but living in 2005. I’m 6 years behind. Eventually I met up with all of my sisters and we prayed. Once we finished I walked away with one sister beside me. We began to talk about what happened. She asked me the strangest question. She said “do you remember that lesson we had on emotional wholeness?” I shook my head knowing exactly where this was headed. She proceeded to ask me “Do you truly want that Shan?” I stared off in amazement wondering if I was supposed to give the right answer or the honest answer. So I did what any Christian would do. I told the truth. I responded with a low unsure sometimes. She looked me in my eyes and began to explain the importance of wholeness. It wasn’t like I didn’t know why it was important. I just needed to hear and see the importance. The conversation carried on until we had to separate. I found a place to sit wondering what made all this make sense this time. Late night thinking and a need to write led to this small but undeniable revelation:
It has been very up and down lately. It’s either great or really bad. No in between. Kinda makes my heart a little weak. A little scared to beat. Wondering if it’s my first one to life or my last one to a long trip home. Somewhere before it ended and after it started life got serious on me. Things stopped being funny. It was nothing to smile about with consistent streams of storms. I made a declaration of clear skies praying that would bring sunshine. Too bad it’s night time where I live. The moon is beautiful tonight. The pure white light reminds me of my King. How he softly calls my name to wake me. I wrote this long list of things to say. Paragraphs of untold thoughts. The truth I didn't have the courage to speak I wrote down. I wish you were the paper and my thoughts the pen. I would tell you who I really am. Where the pieces of my soul ran away to while I was trapped in a moment. God-less love tripped me up so many times the real things seems intangible. I stretch my hand out waiting. Expecting another to interlock with mine and conquer absence. The things I would touch if I believed there was something waiting to be felt. The beauty of a mind is painted through conversation.
I broke the New Year open with new dreams new aspirations and a new identity. I was on a journey to find out all I could possibly stand to know about myself. It’s been super tough. There are some things about me that I never cared to know and some things about me that I love but can’t hold on to. The journey hasn't been all bad. I’ve become freer. I begin to move away from certain people and gravitate towards others. I'm trying my best not to seclude myself in my own world. Being alone is so easy. Nobody around but me. I don't have to rejoice over the entrance and weep over the exit. But God declared in Genesis that it was not good for Man to be alone. I take it an all knowing God wouldn’t call a bad thing good or a good thing bad. He is wise like that. Last week I hit a major bump in my journey. On my way to campus I ran into somebody who was of major importance to me. We shared a moment. And just like that my morning/afternoon began to fall apart. I continued my drive fighting tears. Who knew a couple of seconds had such a stronghold on me. I went searching for a sister of mine still trying to fight the tears until I could say what I needed to say. I didn’t find her in enough time. In a matter of seconds the tears came rushing. I realized that at that point my spirit had enough. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. All the hurt pain anger joy peace love and memories left one by one. I was so backed up I was waking up in 2011 but living in 2005. I’m 6 years behind. Eventually I met up with all of my sisters and we prayed. Once we finished I walked away with one sister beside me. We began to talk about what happened. She asked me the strangest question. She said “do you remember that lesson we had on emotional wholeness?” I shook my head knowing exactly where this was headed. She proceeded to ask me “Do you truly want that Shan?” I stared off in amazement wondering if I was supposed to give the right answer or the honest answer. So I did what any Christian would do. I told the truth. I responded with a low unsure sometimes. She looked me in my eyes and began to explain the importance of wholeness. It wasn’t like I didn’t know why it was important. I just needed to hear and see the importance. The conversation carried on until we had to separate. I found a place to sit wondering what made all this make sense this time. Late night thinking and a need to write led to this small but undeniable revelation:
It has been very up and down lately. It’s either great or really bad. No in between. Kinda makes my heart a little weak. A little scared to beat. Wondering if it’s my first one to life or my last one to a long trip home. Somewhere before it ended and after it started life got serious on me. Things stopped being funny. It was nothing to smile about with consistent streams of storms. I made a declaration of clear skies praying that would bring sunshine. Too bad it’s night time where I live. The moon is beautiful tonight. The pure white light reminds me of my King. How he softly calls my name to wake me. I wrote this long list of things to say. Paragraphs of untold thoughts. The truth I didn't have the courage to speak I wrote down. I wish you were the paper and my thoughts the pen. I would tell you who I really am. Where the pieces of my soul ran away to while I was trapped in a moment. God-less love tripped me up so many times the real things seems intangible. I stretch my hand out waiting. Expecting another to interlock with mine and conquer absence. The things I would touch if I believed there was something waiting to be felt. The beauty of a mind is painted through conversation.
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