Skip to main content

Step One

Deep calls unto deep at the noise of your waterfalls - Psalm 42:7a

The beginning is not the start and the end is not the finish. I guess that means I'm caught up in the middle. I'm laying everything out in this one blog. To the person who this makes complete and total sense to I love you far more than you think I do.

I wish I knew how to forgive you. How to love you past the unlimited stabs in my back and heart. How to look you in your eyes to say I need you even though you may not need me back. It's hard to look at you. To imagine an us in total peace. It's not normal. Right now I'm counting on God to heal me. I believe he made me to love. But right now I can't because I'm not free. My heart is in a complex condition. But God is breaking me into pieces. Attempting to shatter my past and present so he can build this amazing future. Do I trust him? What if he never puts me back together? What if this hurts more than I can take? What if I can't be here because I need we?

The one thing I wish could just be me is this process. I'm not use to needing nobody because seasons change. Change is consistent. It never sits still. I love her but we can't be alike no more. Her way of life is killing me even now but it's all I know. I imitate her. She is my favorite reflection of myself. I equally love and hate that face and smile. Those almond shaped eyes and beautiful skin. I think she is amazing.

God just had other plans. I respect him. I have faith that he will work it out. I believe everything will be okay even now. He is chasing after me. His passion burns in a beautiful flame. I'm terrified of fire. But he loves to play. The transfer of heat makes me sweat. But it's cold in here. My entire body shakes hard. My teeth click as the wind blows and I curl up like a baby. With every breath I breathe pieces of my soul escape and mix with the air. I inhale and take back everything around me. One touch one kiss of love could break cement walls. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Challenge Accepted: My Scars

A couple days ago a fellow blogger and sister of mine issued a challenge. The challenge was to write a blog on why I show my scars. Once I read the challenge I knew I had to participate. Sharing my journey through writing has been a source of healing and freedom not just for me but for those who read the blog. Ever since I started this blog I have had the support of Rhachelle and I am truly grateful for that. When I bought my first pink my scars tee from her RN brand t-shirt collection I promised myself I wouldn't put it on until I was ready to speak freely about everything I had been through. Needless to say the shirt is in heavy rotation and I can no longer be silent about how Christ rescued me. I hope that you all enjoy this post and decide to take the challenge as well. Check out rhachellenicol.com for more information on the challenge and rnbranddesign.bigcartel.com for the my scars t-shirts and her other ministry tees.  I show my scars because I was never good at putting o
2 comments
Read more

Confession: He Calls Me

"The Holy Spirit is my teacher and who better than Him? I must be teachable if I plan on and growing. And sometimes that means walking ahead with no instruction just a destination." - Type.Classy Sometimes is nice to hear yourself say who you are. It builds your confidence and helps you stand a little taller. I am a firm believer in knowing who you are. People in this world attach so many perverted names to children of God. They pass insults around like notes in high school. They try to pin labels on you not worthy of the King who lives in you. The solution for most is speak no hear no see no. The less attention we give to it the quicker it dies. Yet we forget where the true power resides: think no. We meditate day and night on he say she say forgetting what He said. I was once in this situation. Lending my mind to this world and my ear to Jesus. Yeah He said I was fearfully and wonderfully made but I know He would never create junk like me. You are what you eat. My spirit
1 comment
Read more

Thoughts on Forgiving

Most people think they learn forgiveness as a child. Which in part is true. Children generally forgive without thought. You don't have to ask for it or beg for it. They just give it. But something happens when we grow up. Its like we make a conscience effort to eat the apple which brings forth our own ideas on how to forgive. We have to engage our five senses in a way that no man can satisfy. We have to hear and feel the apology. The person desiring forgiveness has to articulate their vocabulary like your favorite song on a hot summer's eve in July. Saying words like I'm sorry because... and I apologize for..... We put our hands together to skip prayer and formulate schemes on how we can make somebody work for our forgiveness as if we are some supernatural higher being who has never needed forgiveness. The victim and the perpetrator always switch places assuming the other should have been the bigger person. We have the expectation for a divine quality to manifes
2 comments
Read more